Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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