Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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