The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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