Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
