I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
