Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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