im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
