Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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