worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
