Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
