you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
