Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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