It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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