I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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