I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
