I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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