yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
