bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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