i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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