haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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