Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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