Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
