my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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