I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
