I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
