According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
