Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
