Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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