I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I puked a lego.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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