im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
this just has baby written all over it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
