that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
