at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
