sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize