1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
