On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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