went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
