Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
