That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
