It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
