I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
