I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
