This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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