dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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