Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize