If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
