I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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