she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
