God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
