I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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