You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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