Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
