You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
