She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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