only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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