doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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