I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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