someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
