Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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