my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
