she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
